Monday, April 7, 2014

Fixing Lashon Hara/Gossip

So, you want to know how to fix lashon hara or gossip?  Well guess what?  You can't!  Once it is done, it is done.  The following story is a fabulous illustration:

In a small town somewhere in Eastern Europe lived a nice man with a nasty problem: he talked too much about other people. He could not help himself. Whenever he heard a story about somebody he knew, and sometimes about somebody he did not know, he just had to tell it to his friends. Since he was in business, he heard quite a lot of rumors and stories. He loved the attention he got, and was delighted when they laughed because of the way he told his “anecdotes,” which he sometimes embellished with little details he invented to make them funnier and juicier. Other than that, he was really a pleasant, goodhearted man.

He kind of knew it was wrong, but . . . it was too tempting, and in any case, most of what he told had really happened, didn’t it? Many of his stories were just innocent and entertaining, weren’t they?
One day he found out something really weird (but true) about another businessman in town. Of course he felt compelled to share what he knew with his colleagues, who told it to their friends, who told it to people they knew, who told it to their wives, who spoke with their friends and their neighbors. It went around town, till the unhappy businessman who was the main character in the story heard it. He ran to the rabbi of the town, and wailed and complained that he was ruined! Nobody would like to deal with him after this. His good name and his reputation were gone with the wind.

Now this rabbi knew his customers, so to speak, and he decided to summon the man who loved to tell stories. If he was not the one who started them, he might at least know who did. 

When the nice man with the nasty problem heard from the rabbi how devastated his colleague was, he felt truly sorry. He honestly had not considered it such a big deal to tell this story, because it was true; the rabbi could check it out if he wanted. The rabbi sighed.

“True, not true, that really makes no difference! You just cannot tell stories about people. This is all lashon hara, slander, and it’s like murder—you kill a person’s reputation.” He said a lot more, and the man who started the rumor now felt really bad and sorry. “What can I do to make it undone?” he sobbed. “I will do anything you say!”

The rabbi looked at him. “Do you have any feather pillows in your house?” 

“Rabbi, I am not poor; I have a whole bunch of them. But what do you want me to do, sell them?”

“No, just bring me one.”

The man was mystified, but he returned a bit later to the rabbi’s study with a nice fluffy pillow under his arm. The rabbi opened the window and handed him a knife. “Cut it open!”

“But Rabbi, here in your study? It will make a mess!”

“Do as I say!”

And the man cut the pillow. A cloud of feathers came out. They landed on the chairs and on the bookcase, on the clock, on the cat which jumped after them. They floated over the table and into the teacups, on the rabbi and on the man with the knife, and a lot of them flew out of the window in a big swirling, whirling trail. 

The rabbi waited ten minutes. Then he ordered the man: “Now bring me back all the feathers, and stuff them back in your pillow. All of them, mind you. Not one may be missing!”

The man stared at the rabbi in disbelief. “That is impossible, Rabbi. The ones here is the room I might get, most of them, but the ones that flew out of the window are gone. Rabbi, I can’t do that, you know it!”

“Yes,” said the rabbi and nodded gravely, “that is how it is: once a rumor, a gossipy story, a ‘secret,’ leaves your mouth, you do not know where it ends up. It flies on the wings of the wind, and you can never get it back!”

He ordered the man to deeply apologize to the person about whom he had spread the rumor; that is difficult and painful, but it was the least he could do. He ordered him to apologize to the people to whom he had told the story, making them accomplices in the nasty lashon hara game, and he ordered him to diligently study the laws concerning lashon hara every day for a year, and then come back to him. 

That is what the man did. And not only did he study about lashon hara, he talked about the importance of guarding your tongue to all his friends and colleagues. And in the end he became a nice man who overcame a nasty problem.

I hope you take this story to heart and work on guarding your tongue.  I know I will be working on this myself.



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Friday, April 4, 2014

Lashon Hara

Lashon hara. 

What is lashon hara?  I suspect you will have never heard of it but when I explain it, you will know exactly what I am talking about.

Lashon hara is a Hebrew term for gossip!  Lashon hara literally means "evil tongue" or "bad talk".  This gossip may or may not be true.  Either way, lashon hara is forbidden in the Jewish faith.  The way I look at it, that is a pretty good way for all of us to live Jewish or not!

I am bringing up the subject of lashon hara because I have been involved in two separate instances of it this week and it is weighing heavily on my heart.

The first instance, I was the one being talked about.  The person that said things about me had no idea that I would read their words.  I brought it the person's attention and they were horrified.  It was a tough lesson for both of us but we moved forward; both of us learning we really need to guard our tongues.

The second instance happened last night.  I was at an eating establishment when I saw someone I recognized.  They didn't see me because they were heavily involved in a conversation with a couple other people.  I could hear snippets of what they were talking about and I was horrified!  They were defaming a friend of mine (and supposedly theirs as well).  I wasn't sure what to do. 

After a time, I got up to walk past them on my way to the restroom thinking if they saw me, they would stop what they were doing.  As I passed on my way back to my seat I could tell they were still gossiping away so I put my hand on my friend's shoulder as I passed, looked them right in the eyes and said hello.  I didn't say anything else, just went and sat back down.  I am not sure if that little bit helped or not but the group left shortly after.  My friend never even came to say hi to me.

It has been said that lashon hara hurts three people: the person who speaks it, the person who hears it, and the person about whom it is told.

I am not perfect by any means but I am now learning how hurtful saying things about others can be.  I know I have said things that were better left unsaid. 

How do you fix gossip or lashon hara?  Stay tuned for tomorrow's post when I will tell you!

Have a blessed (and gossip free) day!